I Was Gonna Go to School, But Then I Got High.

So I've decided to ditch my applications and just work on perfecting my physique. This means it's your lucky day, Stanford_Applicant_03, because I've got an essay that you can use. When I apply next year, I'll probably just write about how I'm most passionate about fitting a 40,000-watt stereo system into my newly rebuilt IROC. But I digress.

Without further ado, here's your essay!

A few years ago, you wouldn't have labeled me as a Stanford MBA, and I know this. I was born with some physical disabilities. The doctors prohibited me from lifting until I turned 17, and by then I felt behind the 8-ball. I didn't think I ever would be able to chisel my chest like my friends. I grew up in Woodstown, so I didn't have much exposure to the Seaside Heights scene, until I turned 16, and I went on my first trip to the shore with my older brother. A few of my brother's frat buddies from Rutgers were having a reunion at their shore house, and he invited me to come with. My brother and his friends were always jacked, bronzed, and loaded with hot ladies on each arm, and I idolized them for it. I was a skinny little 16 year old Guido without the looks. My friends were into hunting and riding 4X4s, which was cool, but it just didn't feel right. When I would go to the mall, I never had fun with my friends, as they were in the Electronic Boutique checking out the new Nintendo or Sega or whatever, while my eyes were fixed across the way at the massive canister of Weight Gainer 5000 at the GNC. I'd always noticed guys that looked like my brother and his friends going in and out of that store, and ladies adoring them and I wanted to be like them. That is also the time that my great transformation occurred. I had asked a Guido honey to my junior prom, thinking that for sure, her knowing that I am a full blooded Guido, and her knowing who my brother is, that she would accept. Well, she didn't, and when I asked her why, she just pointed at my abs, pointed at my pecks, and then taught me one of the most important lessons I have ever learned: Work on your body before you work on a date! I wrote that piece of advice on a piece of laminated poster board, and have hanging on the mirror in the bathroom, reminding me my purpose every time I step out of the shower. That was it! I got smart. I got a part time job at the GNC, and decided to put my Guido smarts to work. I learned about amino acids, creatine, and other body enhancing supplements. With the money I saved with my 30% discount to GNC, I purchased a multi-visit pass to Sun-Looks tanning salon. My friend Anthony, the only other Guido from my class, worked at Sal & Bros. Meat Shoppe (town) and regularly hooked me up with chicken cutlets by the pound. Now I’m 6’1", 245, with virtually no body fat, and thick, tanned, muscles. I have the biggest arms of anyone who works out at the Golds in my town. I saw the girl who turned me down to the junior prom all those years ago, and she was salivating at my body, and admitted that she had made a big mistake back in high school. I didn’t phase me, her comments helped me get my priorities straight, and now I have the best body of all my friends, and my brother’s friends! The payoff is apparent every week. I was at Tempts the weekend of August 9, and I could hardly make time for all of the ladies that were all over me. I plan to get a house next summer and party hard weekend after weekend no doubt. Long live the NJ Guidos out there, and I’m out.

PS: Shamelessly stolen from the writing section of NJ Guido.com.